“The goal of recovery is learning self-care, learning to free ourselves from victimization, and not to blame ourselves for past experiences. The goal is to arm ourselves so we do not continue to be victimized due to the shame and unresolved feelings from the original victimization.”
Melody Beattie is an American author who writes on codependency and strategies for dealing with codependent relationships. Her books have helped shape my thought on codependency and provided tools for recovery, healing and self-care. Her books include: Codependent No More, Beyond Codependency, The New Codependency, and The Language of Letting Go.
“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.”
In her book, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, American author Melody Beattie shares the following illuminating thoughts on self-care.
“The middle ground of self-care lies between the two extremes of controlling others and allowing them to control us. We can walk that ground gently or assertively, but in confidence that it is our right and responsibility.” – The Language of Letting Go
Melody Beattie
She writes:
Self-care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says, “I am responsible for myself.
I am responsible for leading my life.
I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being.
I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs.
I am responsible for solving my problems or learning to live with those I cannot solve.
I am responsible for my choices.
I am responsible for what I give and receive.
I am responsible for setting and achieving my goals.
I am responsible for how much I enjoy life, for how much pleasure I find in daily activities
I am responsible for whom I love and how I choose to express this love.
I am responsible for what I do to others and for what I allow others to do to me.
I am responsible for my wants and desires.
All of me, every aspect of my being, is important. I count for something.
I matter.
My feelings can be trusted.
My thinking is appropriate.
I value my wants and needs.
I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment.
I have rights, and it’s my responsibility to assert these rights.
The decisions I make and the way I conduct myself will reflect my high self-esteem.
My decisions will take into account my responsibilities to myself.
My decisions will also take into account my responsibilities to other people—my partner, my children, my relatives, my friends.
I will examine and decide exactly what these responsibilities are as I make my decisions.
I will also consider the rights of those around me—the right to live their lives as they see fit.
I do not have the right to impose on others’ rights to take care of themselves, and they have no right to impose on my rights.
Self-care is an attitude of mutual respect. It means learning to live our lives responsibly. It means allowing others to live their lives as they choose, as long as they don’t interfere with our decision to live as we choose. Taking care of ourselves is not as selfish as some people assume it is, but neither is it as selfless as many believe.
“Recovery means self-care—learning to take care of ourselves and love ourselves—with people. The healthier we become, the healthier our relationships will become. And we’ll never outgrow our need for healthy behaviors.”
Self-care means taking responsibility for ourselves
In The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency, Beattie says “Self-care means taking responsibility for ourselves.”
Taking responsibility for ourselves includes assuming our true responsibilities to others.
Sometimes, when we begin recovery, we’re worn down from feeling responsible for so many other people. Learning that we need only take responsibility for ourselves may be such a great relief that, for a time, we disown our responsibilities to others. The goal in recovery is to find the balance: we take responsibility for ourselves, and we identify our true responsibilities to others.
The goal in recovery is to find the balance: we take responsibility for ourselves, and we identify our true responsibilities to others.
This may take some sorting through, especially if we have functioned for years on distorted notions about our responsibilities to others. We may be responsible to one person as a friend or as an employee; to another person, we’re responsible as an employer or as a spouse. With each person, we have certain responsibilities. When we tend to those true responsibilities, we’ll find balance in our life. We are also learning that while others aren’t responsible for us, they are accountable to us in certain ways.
We can learn to discern our true responsibilities for ourselves, and to others. We can allow others to be responsible for themselves and expect them to be appropriately responsible to us.
“There is no recipe, no formula, no guidebook for self-care. We each have a guide, and that guide is within us. We need to ask the question: What do I need to do to take loving, responsible care of myself? Then, we need to listen to the answer. Self-care is not that difficult. The most challenging part is trusting the answer, and having the courage to follow through once we hear it.”
All the best in your quest to get better. Don’t Settle: Live with Passion.
