Love is Behaviour.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying.” The more I interact with people, the more I agree with the word of Emerson, and I have concluded that Love is Behaviour. Your behaviour is more important than what you say, as actions speak louder than words. You can call yourself a friend, but that would be determined during the trying times; you can say you are family, but we shall know the depth of your support during the trying times. One of the unintended consequences of grief is that it mostly re-orders your address book as people would show you their true character and colour.

Your so-called best friend would fail to reach out to you when you lose someone close to you because they don’t know what to say, your family members would keep silent when times are hard for you, your friends would backstab and betray you when you least expected, people would show you who they are during the inevitable storms, vicissitudes and trials of life. As American Baptist minister and activist Martin Luther King Jr. once asserted, “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.“

For most of us, we keep around default friends and acquaintances because we have always been around them, even though they are not adding much value to our life. Their toxicity, negativity, co-dependency and mediocrity are beginning to rub off on you, but you still keep them close. We say to ourselves, even the bad ones have their use. Of late, I don’t pay attention to what people say; I pay more attention to their actions. If you say you are a friend, family, or mentor, well wishes, prove it by your actions, not by the talk, gossip, chit-chat and complaining.

In the age of social media where people know what you are going through but feign ignorance. I try to listen less and watch their behaviour more. If you love yourself, you would first show up for yourself daily by following through on the goals you set for yourself and trying to be there for the people closest to you. Love is a verb, an action word meaning you need to act and not intend to act. To paraphrase American rapper Jayz, who rhymed, “Men Lie, Women Lie, but Numbers Don’t.” In the same vein, men lie, and women lie, but their actions/behaviour do not lie.

 Even though a person may begin life as a prisoner of what natural endowments he was given and the circumstances under which he was raised, he cannot remain a “victim” of his environment forever. Eventually, every person must come to terms with him or herself. To know oneself, to fairly judge one’s strengths and weaknesses, and to attain true mastery over one’s most basic instincts and inclinations are among life’s greatest challenges. But ultimately, anyone’s rise to a life of integrity and merit can only come as the result of a full self-awakening. He must come to know himself as well as others, without deceit or denial. He must honestly face and recon with all aspects of his character.

Only then can he freely take on the burden of disciplining himself for the sake of himself as well as for the sake of others. It is the free choice to take up this burden or “cross” that defines love. And it is the willingness and commitment of a person to carry this particular cross even unto death that opens the door to a higher plane of existence.

Dealing with our closest relationships is one of the most challenging situations we all have to deal with on an ongoing basis. Setting healthy boundaries for the closest people to us is also one of the most challenging decisions we all must make. Stick with the facts, their actions, not their words and intention. We continuously give people the benefit of the doubt, but we mostly get the doubt, and they get the benefit. One of the most transformative insights that I have gained in my years of study is this: In your 20s, you cared what everyone said about you; in your 40s, you stop caring what people say about you and in your 60s, you find out the ultimate truth: No one was thinking about you.

We spend most of our waking hours obsessing about how people look at us, what they would say, would this or that meet their expectations, would I fit in etc. The moment you finally realize that no one was thinking about you, you reclaim the power to live life on your terms, but most of us, we come to that realization a little late. We see all the warning signs, red flags and bad behaviour, but we tolerate and enable it because they are family and all you’ve got. It is far better to have peace of mind alone than be surrounded by fake friends and frenemies who mean you no good. Focus on how people are acting right now not on how they used to act towards you.

Meditation

• Daily Calm with Tamara Levitt – Patience
• Meditation is an experiential practice where the mind and body are relearning and rewiring, so while we may not see results overnight, restructuring is happening; hold patience and let go of any expectations for results to be immediate. Let the patience you cultivate as you sit grow as a quality you can tap into—patience for yourself, your practice, and patience in daily life.

Daily Jay with Jay Shetty – The Wrecking Crew

• Fame is not the same as success, yet society makes it easy to think there is no difference between the two.
• Celebrity is neither a prerequisite for impact nor a necessary ingredient for happiness, purpose or fulfilment. Doing your best work and acknowledging the payoff from within is more important.
• The Wrecking Crew were not publicly recognized in their era but were viewed with reverence by industry insiders. There is no shame in playing a supporting role if that is what you enjoy or where you end up.
•  “I reject the notion that the job you excel at is somehow not enough to aspire to, that there has to be something more. I love supporting other artists. Some people will do anything to be famous. I just wanted to sing.” – Lisa Fischer

Podcast

• What is “The Silent Movie Perspective” And How Does It Help With Filtering Out Toxic People? – Ed Mylett Podcast

• Watch people with the sound off – watch what they do and listen to what they say. Love is a behaviour and not a noun.
• Winning It All: Building Champions w/ Coach Dan Hurley | THE ED MYLETT SHOW

All the Best in your quest to get Better. Don’t Settle: Live with Passion.