“We lose ourselves in what we read, only to return to ourselves, transformed and part of a more expansive world.”
American philosopher Judith Butler delivered the Honorary Doctorate Commencement Address to the graduating 2013 class at McGill University, Montreal, Canada.
The poem “After a while” is mostly attributed to Veronica A. Shoffstall and a Spanish version attributed to Jorge Luis Borges.
After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman*
Not the grief of a child*
And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
And with every day, you learn.
Aprendiendo by Jorge Luis Borges.
“Después de un tiempo, uno aprende la sutil diferencia entre sostener una
mano y encadenar un alma.
Y uno aprende que el AMOR no significa acostarse.
Y que una compañía no significa seguridad, y uno empieza a aprender ….
Que los besos no son contratos y los regalos no son promesas, y uno empieza
a aceptar sus derrotas con la cabeza alta y los ojos abiertos, y uno aprende
a construir todos sus caminos en el hoy, porque el terreno del mañana es
demasiado inseguro para planes … y los futuros tienen su forma de caerse
por la mitad.
Y después de un tiempo uno aprende que, si es demasiado, hasta el calor del
Sol puede quemar.
Así que uno planta su propio jardín y decora su propia alma, en lugar de
esperar a que alguien le traiga flores.
Y uno aprende que realmente puede aguantar, que uno es realmente fuerte, que
uno realmente vale, y uno aprende y aprende … y así cada día.
Con el tiempo aprendes que estar con alguien, porque te ofrece un buen
futuro, significa que tarde o temprano querrás volver a tu pasado.
Con el tiempo comprendes que sólo quien es capaz de amarte con tus defectos
sin pretender cambiarte, puede brindarte toda la felicidad.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que si estás con una persona sólo por
acompañar tu soledad, irremediablemente acabarás no deseando volver a verla.
Con el tiempo aprendes que los verdaderos amigos son contados y que quien no
lucha por ellos tarde o temprano se verá rodeado sólo de falsas amistades.
Con el tiempo aprendes que las palabras dichas en momentos de ira siguen
hiriendo durante toda la vida.
Con el tiempo aprendes que disculpar cualquiera lo hace, pero perdonar es
atributo sólo de almas grandes.
Con el tiempo comprendes que si has herido a un amigo duramente, es muy
probable que la amistad jamás sea igual.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta que aun siendo feliz con tus amigos, lloras por
aquellos que dejaste ir.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que cada experiencia vivida con cada persona
es irrepetible.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que el que humilla o desprecia a un ser
humano, tarde o temprano sufrirá multiplicadas las mismas humillaciones o
desprecios.
Con el tiempo aprendes a construir todos tus caminos en el hoy, porque el
sendero del mañana no existe.
Con el tiempo comprendes que apresurar las cosas y forzarlas a que pasen,
ocasiona que al final no sean como esperabas.
Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que en realidad lo mejor no era el futuro,
sino el momento que estabas viviendo justo en ese instante.
Con el tiempo verás que aunque seas feliz con los que están a tu lado,
añorarás a los que se marcharon.
Con el tiempo aprenderás a perdonar o pedir perdón, decir que amas, decir
que extrañas, decir que necesitas, decir que quieres ser amigo, pues ante
una tumba ya no tiene sentido.
Pero desafortunadamente, sólo con el tiempo…
Ultralearning: A strategy for acquiring skills and knowledge that is both self-directed and intense.
In Ultralearning: Master Hard Skills, Outsmart the Competition, and Accelerate Your Career, author Scott Young argues that learning a new talent, staying relevant, reinventing yourself, and adapting to whatever the workplace throws your way is a surefire way to becoming successful.
Ultralearning offers nine principles to master hard skills quickly.
Young incorporates the latest research about the most effective learning methods and the stories of other ultralearners like himself—among them Benjamin Franklin, chess grandmaster Judit Polgár, and Nobel laureate physicist Richard Feynman, as well as a host of others, such as little-known modern polymath Nigel Richards, who won the French World Scrabble Championship—without knowing French.
Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either. – Aesop
The truth is the property (as of a statement) of being in accord with fact or reality. As the King James Bible says “And You Shall Know the Truth and the Truth Shall Make You Free”. As UK former prime minister Winston Churchill once quipped “The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.”
‘When the music changes, so must your dance.’
In less than 15 years, Elaine Welteroth has stepped into more career roles and garnered more professional accomplishments than many people do in a lifetime. She’s an award-winning editor and journalist, a New York Times – bestselling author and a television host – and she was tapped as the cultural ambassador for Michelle Obama’s When We All Vote initiative.
At 19, Elaine was appointed editor in chief of Teen Vogue (prior to that, she served as the American
magazine’s beauty director, the first Black woman to hold that role). At the time, she was the youngest person to be named editor in chief in the 100-plus year history of publishing giant
Condé Nast and she was only the second Black person to hold the position.
“ If you fear you may be in any danger or your abuser has shown violent tendencies in the past, do not confront a narcissist directly.”
In The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide to Dealing with Toxic People, author Shahida Arabi highlights how HSPs can use their sensitivity to listen to their instincts about these con artists, rather than continually betraying your inner voice.
In The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide to Dealing with Toxic People, you’ll learn evidence-based skills grounded in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to help you recognize and shut down the common manipulation tactics used by toxic people, such as gaslighting, stonewalling, projection, covert put-downs, and love bombing.
“It marks a big step in your development when you come to realize that other people can help you do a better job than you could do alone.” – Andrew Carnegie
One of the recurring factors I found attributed to the success of great men and women is the value of luck. The luck of who (people, family, friend, partner, spouse, mentor, boss), where (environment) and their ability to seize the day when the opportunity presented itself. Luck they say is when opportunity meets preparedness. These individuals were at the right place at the right time. The best-selling author of Good to Great, Jim Collins talks about the concept of “Who Luck”. In a Knowledge Project Podcast session with Shane Parish, Jim said:
People think about luck as kind of “what” luck but I’ve had great “who” luck in my life. And “who” luck is when you come across somebody who changes your trajectory or invests in you, bets on you, gives you guidance and key points.
“Who” luck is when you come across somebody who changes your trajectory or invests in you, bets on you, gives you guidance and key points.
The first principle is that you must not fool yourself—and you are the easiest person to fool.
American theoretical physicist Richard Feynman delivered the commencement speech to the 1974 Caltech California Institute of Technology graduate students. He titled the speech “The Cargo Cult Science“.
I have just one wish for you—the good luck to be somewhere where you are free to maintain the kind of integrity I have described, and where you do not feel forced by a need to maintain your position in the organization, or financial support, or so on, to lose your integrity. May you have that freedom.
Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me.
We get what we tolerate in life, it is that simple. If you allow people to treat you unfairly because they are your family, parent, spouse, boss, or friend, the issue is not with them; it is with you. You need to set and communicate healthy boundaries with people or else they would continue to treat you in a way you do not appreciate.
Most of us think that boundaries should be common sense but it is not. Your job is to communicate with people what you would allow and what you would not allow. Your job is also to enforce the consequence of violating your boundaries. People don’t like to be told what to do, hence communicate your boundaries and if it gets violated; enforce the consequence. Boundaries without consequence is nagging. If you continue to give people the benefit of the doubt, eventually they would get the benefit and you get the doubt.
Boundaries without consequence is nagging.
Psychological abuse leaves no bruises. There are no broken bones. There are no holes in the walls. The bruises, brokenness, and holes are held tightly within the target of the abuse.
In Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse, author and certified trauma therapist Shannon Thomas describes a roadmap for healing from hidden psychological abuse. What makes Psychological abuse challenging to explain “Psychological abuse leaves no bruises. There are no broken bones. There are no holes in the walls. The bruises, brokenness, and holes are held tightly within the target of the abuse.” Most Psychological abuse survivors don’t have the right language, insights, and strategies to navigate the roller coaster of living or dealing with someone with a personality disordered individual.
Shanon shed more light on the favorite tools of the Psychological abuser such as Gaslighting, Hoovering, use of flying monkeys, smear campaign, Intermittent Reinforcement, etc. She also explains the six stages for recovering from Psychological abuse.
The Blame Game started at the garden of Eden, Adam blamed Eve for eating the apple, Eve blamed the snake and the snake had no legs. It is human nature to blame: we blame the government, parents, childhood trauma, education system, siblings, spouse, and everybody else except ourselves. As J.K.Rowlings, author of the Harry Potter series once quipped: “There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, the responsibility lies with you.”
There is an expiry date for blaming everything except ourselves. Life is tough and it happens to us all; hence we have to take personal responsibility for our life at some point. We all play the blame game: we blame our spouse for the divorce, our boss for the job loss, the government for the bad economy, our parents for unresolved childhood trauma, ourselves for our mistakes.
Here are some great quotes on Blaming:
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.George Bernard Shaw
Blaming is so much easier than taking responsibility, because if you take responsibility, then you might be to blame.-Jennifer O’Neill
Your failures won’t hurt you until you start blaming them on others.– Zig Ziglar
Fix the problem, not the blame.— Japanese Proverbs
Blaming something else makes that something else cause; and as that cause takes on power, the individual in the same act loses control and becomes effect.– L. Ron Hubbard
“Life is like a camera. Focus on what’s important. Capture the good times. And if things don’t work out, just take another shot.”.
All the Best in your quest to get Better. Don’t Settle: Live with Passion.
“We do not remember days, we remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten.” – Cesare Pavese.
In How to Do the Work, clinical psychologist, and creator of “the holistic psychologist“, Dr. Nicole LePer offers both a manifesto for SelfHealing as well as an essential guide to creating a more vibrant, authentic, and joyful life. Dr. LePera describes how adverse experiences and trauma in childhood live with us, resulting in whole-body dysfunction—activating harmful stress responses that keep us stuck engaging in patterns of codependency, emotional immaturity, and trauma bonds. Unless addressed, these self-sabotaging behaviors can quickly become cyclical, leaving people feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, and unwell.
It’s not that we heal and then we start living again, it’s that we make thedecision to start living again, and that’s when we start to heal.
In Out of the Fog, licensed psychotherapist, Dana Morningstar compares and contrasts healthy and unhealthy behaviors, strategies for getting out of the fog of confusion in abusive relationships, and into the clarity of building healthy relationships. Dana does a great job comparing and contrasting what a good, normal, healthy relationship is and what crazymaking, abusive, manipulative relationships look like. If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, and other personality disordered individuals, you would relate to most of the behaviors and characteristics of the emotionally manipulative.
Don’t wish it was easier wish you were better. Don’t wish for less problems, wish for more skills. Don’t wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom. – Jim Rohn
Winter is coming is a euphemism for “trying times are ahead”. Winter is the coldest season of the year in polar and temperate regions. Winter is associated with snow, icy weather, freezing temperature and it is also associated with the tough and trying times in life. I grew up in the tropical climate of Nigeria where we had only dry and wet seasons. I did not fully experience seasonal winter until I relocated to the west.
Life is a rollercoaster of circumstances, challenges, crises, ups and downs, frowns, and smiles. As Musician John Lenon once noted: “Life is what happens to you while you‘re busy making other plans”. When the challenges of life happen, they often happen so fast. No one has a problem-free life, tough times do not last but tough people do.
In Hello, My Name Is Awesome, naming consultant Alexandra Watkins explains how anyone—even noncreative types—can create memorable and buzz-worthy brand names. At the core of the book is Watkins’s SMILE and SCRATCH Test.